One of the greatest experiences of my life

I just closed The Spitfire Grill. To explain the process of this show would be impossible. It's a good show. Is it the world's most profound book or music? Is it a show that everyone would go to and say, "this is the best show ever written?" No. But, it is a show with character's so real that it changed the lives of my actors, and stretched me to be the best teacher I have ever been. I got my cast to places that I didn't even know what to do with. What to say when it was all over. Lol!! I got a glimpse of what Dr. T must feel like when she finishes a class of "journeys."

This show dealt with some very serious issues. A girl getting out of jail for killing her stepfather after he raped and beat her and killed her child; an old woman who turned her back on Vietnam vet son, and a town full of people who are searching for something . . . but don't even know what. All of my students are required in my performance classes to write a character analysis on themselves. I tell them not to write anything they don't want me to know. But, the students overall, really open up when they write them and in every class there are stories that make me gasp and hurt. And then I hand the paper back to the student and never bring it up again unless they speak to me about it.

However, I also know and remember when I have to work with them dramatically where they have been and try to use this to my advantage to guide them into the journey of facing the emotions an actor must face without letting their own lives torture them. I went into this show knowing that at least three students in this cast (out of seven) would have to face some serious issues head on. The topics of this show are hard for any actor; to connect authentically to these topics are hard. But, it's even harder if you are afraid to feel the emotion that comes with material - which is exactly what I experience with my college students. An extreme fear of facing the feelings of anger, sadness and fear. So, I teach them how to go there physically. I teach them how to figure out where emotion physically lives. And that it is okay to feel those physical sensations because you don't have to be stuck in them. They can conjure up emotion physically and then tie the emotions to the objectives of the character and shed it when the show is over. Every performance doesn't have to be about them or the horrible things they have faced in their lives.

The connection the students found to these characters and to the emotions they felt is something I instrumented. And the first rehearsal that we worked on the work, I literally didn't know what to do with my success. It was so incredible and yet so scary to have the students put all of their faith in me - that they would trust me to take them places they were scared to go. And after that rehearsal, everything clicked for them.

This show did not have a single conflict. No cast member ever fought. No cast member ever talked back to me. All of the cast members worked as hard as I pushed them. And the more they would let me push, the more I pushed. The result is something I cannot put into words. I am more proud of this show and the work I did with those students than I have ever been of anything in my whole life, I think.

After the closing show I started to cry and made my way away from the crowd. I found a senior sitting in the dressing room (the lead of show), crying her eyes out. And she said to me, "Stephanie, I'm going to tell all the undergrads to make sure that they get you as their mentor because I would never have gotten the connection I got in this role with any of the other faculty members. This experience was the most incredible experience of my life and it is because of you."

And that is why I do what I do.

I recognize that this entry does not do justice to the experience. I also recognize that many of you will probably think I'm crazy and not be able to relate to what I am trying to say. But, I am filled with pride in my work I cannot explain. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. The terror of not being able to do this for the rest of my life (oh jobs where for art though?) is enough to suffocate me.